Does My Art Make Me Happy?

I keep telling myself the only person that I should compare myself to is myself. That old version of me. It's not fair to try to compare what I do and what I make with any other artist or any other style. They're the main character of their own stories and they have different goals and make different choices than I do. That doesn't make dealing with imposter syndrome any easier. 

My husband and I try to check-in with each other regularly and this week I shared with him that I was doubting myself and my art. I told him that I felt like it just wasn't that good. It's cute but that's about it. Some days I feel like I shouldn't even bother with it anymore. I told him that I set up a new shop and there was an error with an order that resulted in a refund. I entered some art in a show and it didn't place - it never places - and it makes me feel like I'm just missing something. 

So often I feel like I have great ideas. Or the execution of the idea is ok. And it always just falls flat. The art doesn't sell. It's hard to put into words, but I've always struggled with a feeling that I'm just not quite doing IT - whatever IT is. It's almost like I'm trying to leap onto something and I fall short every time. Every single time.

He asked me one question after listening to me: "Does your art make you happy?" 

Well. Yes. My art does make me happy. It's colorful. It's charming. It's a little whimsical. It does make me happy. And when I look at old pieces, they make me happy too. Is that enough to erase the feeling that I'm always failing to meet some kind of expectation (even if it is a self-imposed expectation)? Not really. But it's a good reminder that my goal for this year was to shift my art focus and to work more on what made me happy, not necessarily something that was going to sell. The desperation that I felt in 2020 as I painted and painted to try to bring in an income is gone. It's been replaced by something else. And in following "something else" I do have to acknowledge that I've accomplished a few things that I hadn't really thought I ever would. So, I guess the only thing that I can do is to keep on keeping on as I move through it to see what's further down the road.